Worthy to be Loved

I've been thinking about this post for some time. How do I passionately yet delicately express the burning in my heart on the topic of adopting a child with severe special needs? While it is my desire for grace to meet truth, most of you know that I am shamelessly authentic. That being said, I am unapologetic for the fervor you may encounter here (a-hem).

Seamus and I are currently in the process of adopting a little girl in China who has Down syndrome and a congenital heart defect. Entering this journey was not taken lightly. Adopting a child with DS has been on our hearts for years. Much discussion and prayer has centered around this matter. We finally came to a place of knowing that God wanted this for our lives. The struggle has been real, the one where our flesh recounts all the reasons it's not a good idea.

Do we know what we're getting in to? What will life be like with a "mentally disabled" child? Are we aware that she will likely live with us for the rest of our lives? How will this affect our current children, now and after we are gone? How can we afford the therapies and heart surgeries? How do we know that God is really "calling us" to this? Every day life will look so different. I'm not sure I have the patience or stamina to deal. You see, all the questions that are being asked of us now are questions we first asked of ourselves. The doubts were real, but God's revelation is always greater.

First and probably foremost, this child is WORTHY. She doesn't deserve to know love any less than another. She's as deserving as any of our 5 children at home. She happens to have been born in China, with a serious disease and an extra chromosome. The story of her abandonment is tragic and the world says she's not valuable. But I'm here to tell you... she was made in the image of her creator and He has chosen her as royalty. God-willing, she will come home soon to a family who adores her, and she will wear a beautiful crown, because in the eyes of God she is a flawless princess. She deserves a loving family, and she deserves to know the love of Christ, simply because He says so.

Second, my life is not mine at all. It was given to me by a gracious creator who commands that I lay it down while carrying a cross, and promises eternal joy in return. I ponder the sacrifice of Christ's own life for me and I am immediately overwhelmed with gratitude. There's nothing more joyful than being able to share that miracle with others. The most tangible way to live out this gratitude is to give my own life for another, only a miniscule example of God's true love for us. Will this new life be hard? Will I likely shed tears on a daily basis? Will I lose my dream of retirement and a chance to spend my last years alone with my husband? Undoubtedly. Will it be worth it? Sure as heaven. This life is only a vapor, gone too quickly to hold on to anything meaningless. Moths and rust will destroy everything this carnal life offers. But when we breath our last, a new life awaits. And what WILL come with us are souls. Souls are what matter here and now. So until the day I travel home for good, God, please give me the strength to surrender my life for the sake of others, gripping to the reality that we will soon be in glory where there are no tears, no pain, plenty of time for rest and comfort.

(By the way... While I believe my life is not my own and happily lay it down, I simultaneously happen to know that the choice we are making will actually result in a life more fulfilled, more full of joy than ever before. Harder than ever, but worth every moment. I can't wait to testify to that joy first-hand, once she's home.)

Third, my God is a promise-keeper. It really all boils down to one simple consideration. We either believe God or we don't. We can ask all the questions we want, but at the end of the day the only reason we are able to adopt this child is because we believe that God is who He says he is. "I am." The truest statement that ever was. The great "I am," the One who created this universe and knit Maggie's soul together promises never to leave or forsake us. He promises a life of hardship in this world but a world He has already overcome. He promises that His plans for us are good. He promises power to the weak and strength to the powerless. He promises that nothing can separate us from the love of God. He promises that we need not fear, for He goes before us. He promises eternal life as a free gift. He promises to be a Father to the fatherless. He promises that victory is ours!

He also promises that His word is true. Scripture is our test against whether or not we are doing what He wants. We know He has called us to this adoption because His word reveals it. Our default is to step forward in faith, through His command to care for the orphan and ask God to close the door if it's not His will for our life. If the Bible urges believers to mimic God's love for us, that's exactly what we are "called" to do. When we pray regarding this adoption or any ministry opportunity, we ask God to halt our progress if it's not His plan. He has done this many times in our lives. But as for Maggie, well, the Bible tells us to love her unabashedly. So we will, until the Lord tells us otherwise.

Our questions have proven shallow, while God has given us a more courageous vision than we had before. We are now able to step forward in faith, confident in truth, remembering that there is no fear in love. While it is unimportant (and frankly unbiblical) for me to defend our path, I do hope, through this post, that someone will realize God's unconditional love for us and believe it so bravely that His compassion would be materialized throughout this hurting world He so dearly cherishes.

Travel to China... Third Time's a Charm?

I wish this was the "TRAVEL APPROVAL" post but we are still many months away. We are currently (still) waiting for immigration approval (sigh). Our best guess is that travel will occur in March or April. That doesn't mean, however, that we haven't spent hours talking, contemplating, praying over the details that involve travel. Specifically, who will go this time, what is the best scenario for our family?

China requires that we are there for about 2 weeks. There's no way around this and in some ways we are grateful. During our time there, we take every opportunity we can to immerse ourselves in the culture and retain as much as possible to share with our children later. The trip is not easy though. It's long and exhausting. The jet lag alone is enough to make a person sick for weeks. The emotional toll of meeting your child and dealing with her trauma is intense. The paperwork, site seeing, meetings with government officials, all while being clueless about what day it is and what time of the day it is... It's a lot. Then there's the cost of the trip in dollars. For each person traveling we must account for an additional, approximate amount of $2,500. As you can imagine, consideration of travel plans is not taken lightly.

When we adopted Emily in 2014, Seamus and I traveled, bringing our oldest son (who was 8 at the time) and leaving our two youngest kids behind with friends. The experience was amazing and I was thankful that Brady had that extra time to bond with his Mei Mei. Anna and Bryce were definitely in the best-case-scenario for staying home. They stayed with friends who are more like family and they took amazing care of them for us. When we returned, they were both excited to have us home but we noticed our four-year-old seemed very affected by our separation. He was sad and clingy, just not himself for quite a few weeks. While we explained what 2 weeks looked like and left them with a calendar, we believe he was probably too young to really comprehend what that looked like. It was extremely hard to watch and after that journey with him, we decided any future adoption travel would need to look different.

When we adopted Samuel in 2015, the decision was made that I would go alone or bring a friend. This way, Seamus could stay at home with the kids, maintaining their normal routine with daddy close by. We were so grateful to sweet Ms. Suzi who agreed to walk that long and arduous trip with me. The 4 kids did very well at home with Seamus. Our community of friends rallied around us (as usual), provided meals for them while I was gone, carpooled, babysat, and loved us well. I grieved, those many thousands of miles away. I missed Seamus and the kids so very much. I wanted Seamus to be loving on Samuel with me. I hated sharing "gotcha" through pictures and texts. It was hard on each of us for different reasons.

Third trip approaching... what to do? We've talked and prayed over several options.

We could bring the girls with us and leave the 3 boys with friends. The boys stick together naturally and we know our older boys would help care for our 3 year old son. But would we be repeating the separation anxiety with the youngest? He is still a tad vulnerable from his trauma as a baby and we can't be sure that he'll handle the separation well.

One of us could go (not ideal for reasons already mentioned). We ran through many scenarios.

What if we all went to China? SAY WHAT?! Yeah, that was my initial reaction too. We began adding up the financial expense, considering what the luggage and Customs check points would look like, imagining our baby and toddler screaming on a 15 hour flight, and knowing full well that with eight people, each immune system greatly compromised, SOMEONE will be sure to vomit at any given moment. What a fun prospect this is!

But we also saw a different side. God has always provided the finances when it's His will. No one would be separated. All of us could experience welcoming Maggie to her forever family. It would be hard but oh-so-rich. We spoke to many families who have traveled to China with 5 or more kids. Not one of them said they regret it, and each encouraged us in this possibility. More prayer, more discussion, and lots of revelation. We've decided the whole family should travel to get Maggie!

The kids are beyond excited and we can't imagine a more fruitful trip for each of them. We've always seen this trip as a mission opportunity in so many ways. For our kids to experience the richness of this multi-faceted trip... the prospect overwhelms me. Being there for Maggie, visiting an orphanage, loving on those babies, seeing Mom and Dad share the gospel with guides and others who may never hear it... we are so grateful that God would consider letting this happen for our children.

The older ones want to be involved in raising the funds needed for travel so we are brainstorming about that now. I believe we will continue fundraising for the adoption itself. Once we have raised the total needed (approximately $31,000), we will continue fundraising specifically for travel expenses. This way, your giving is not muddied. We will be very clear about what fundraisers will go towards travel. If you feel led to give one way or another, you will have that opportunity. I should reiterate here that every dollar currently being raised is being put aside for our adoption expenses. We will make it very clear when (God-willing) we've met this goal and will move on to fundraising for the kids' travel.

Maggie's, Seamus', and my travel are already factored in to the original amount needed for the adoption. After examining past travel and speaking with our travel agent and social worker, we have estimated the cost to be about $2,500 per additional person. That's an additional $12,500 needed in order for our entire family to go. While our immediate reaction to this amount was fear, we now feel settled knowing that this is what God wants for us. We have been encouraged by so many of you and are thankful for your support in this decision!

There is no perfect plan for this sort of journey. It's hard. It just is. No matter what. But we are super excited about being together as we embrace and bond with Maggie as a family!

Load up Lomans! We're going to China!