Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Being "Pregnant" is Hard

My phone rings. Is it Logan (Lifeline social worker)?! Nope, just the bug man.

I click refresh on my email inbox 1,382 times. An email!! Oh wait, it's Brady's coach... not Logan.

If I check my Facebook groups again (even though I checked an hour ago), maybe there will be an announcement that a new shared list of waiting children will be released soon. Nothing.

Refining. Sanctifying. Humbling. I am thankful to be experiencing all this through the wait. I wrote about waiting HERE and all the wonderful plans God has through waiting. But if I'm being honest (and y'all know I don't have a problem being honest ;), I'm just weary today.

This past week or so (since the high of receiving our Log In Date) has been the most difficult week of the process thus far. I knew that waiting for a referral would be an emotional step and it has proven to be even more than I expected. I didn't expect to have a match a week after LID, nor do I expect to have one any time soon. But it's possible. And that's enough to make me crazy.

We set up Emily's new bedroom over the weekend. Thanks to great friends, she has a beautiful crib and furniture. She won't see her room for another several months but it's ready and waiting for her arrival... just like we are.

There are so many aspects (emotional and otherwise) of this process that I never understood before actually being in it. What's the big deal about waiting if you know ahead of time it's going to take a year or more? It's very hard to explain until you're in it. You go from pursuing adoption (like it's a process), to pursuing a specific child who you know belongs in your family. In God's perfect timing (I hope that's tomorrow), He will show us exactly who our daughter is. That's hard to wait for, y'all.

If you're a momma, you remember the anticipation you felt in the waiting room right before your ultrasound. Although she isn't born then, you get a glimpse of who she is. She can't come home to sleep in her crib just yet but oh the excitement of seeing her little profile. Maybe she's even sucking her thumb or jumping around. The pregnancy pangs are real and painful in both circumstances. I've carried 4 biological children (birthed 3 of them), and all 4 pregnancies were very difficult for different reasons but I'm not sure what's worse... the pain, sickness, and impatience through my biological pregnancies or the pain I feel with this "paper" pregnancy. At least with my first ones, they were tucked away, right there in my belly, for no one to hurt. They were with me every minute until they could come home.

I don't expect this to get any easier. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that when we are finally matched I may spend most of my days in anguish over when we can go get our little bundle. Can someone please remind me to feed my family during that time?

Grumbling and "woe to me" aside, I am truly thankful that this process is so difficult. Easy is never satisfying or rewarding. The joy of being united with Emily Hope one day will be so much sweeter knowing what we went through to get to her. When Jesus set out to rescue us, "easy" was not on his mind. He hung on a tree, and suffered hell, in order that the Father could be united with us!

I don't want easy. But if you could pray that my hard would lead to a deeper faith in Christ, that's my desire. I don't want any of my pain to be in vein nor do I ever want to lose sight of how thankful I need to be for the "real", rather than the "easy". If I'm focused on who Christ is, then hard is doable... even peaceful. "And the peace of God, which trandscends all understanding, will guide your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7)                 

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