"The seas have lifted up, O Lord, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves. Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea- the Lord on high is mighty." (Psalm 93:3-4)
I sat on the edge of our bed last night, as Seamus assembled the toddler bed for Fu Yi. "I'm sad, Seamus. I have hope but my heart hurts," my voice trembled. I felt like bursting in to tears but I knew that would be ridiculous. "This is only one wave, Laura. There will be many more." Sigh.
He was right, this was only one wave. That's a scary thought because the waves in life sometimes feel like more than I can bear. The breaking and crashing of a powerful wave is sometimes enough to tear us down. We know there will be more, so my perspective must be in order. I can let these waves drown me, or I can find a way to float atop.
Exactly one week ago, a lady contacted me. She saw my post on FB and was moved by what she'd read. She and her husband wanted to learn more about Fu Yi and said they were interested in adopting her! Our conversation continued for many days. They asked questions. They requested her medical file from the agency. They prayed. And after a lot of back and forth, I received a message that brought tears to my eyes. "We really believe she may be our daughter, Laura." You can imagine the joy that filled my heart.
Fu Yi has been dealt a crappy hand of cards. She was born with Down Syndrome, abandoned before she turned one year old and was left to fend for herself in an orphanage. The trauma she has experienced in the first few years of her life is overwhelming to consider. I'm not blind to how children are treated in these orphanages, and I've certainly seen how children with Down Syndrome are at an even higher risk for abuse and neglect. It physically hurts to imagine Fu Yi's past and present circumstances. But now! Now I could actually imagine redemption in her life! Could God have seriously revealed His plan for Fu Yi so soon? Of course He could! He is the God who gave up everything to redeem!
Soon after receiving this elating message, I received another. "We've prayerfully discerned that Fu Yi is not our daughter, after all. God has called us to adopt an older child..." My heart sank. I sobbed. I took a deep breath and responded, "I am thankful for your listening to God's will in everything! I give Him praise for that. I am also thankful that you will be pursuing an older child. How wonderful! Please be in prayer for Fu Yi and ask the Lord to direct our steps in advocating. Thank you for being so open and honest. Big hugs!" With a broken heart, I hit send.
The biggest waves in my life manifest themselves through the unknown. I don't know what God's plan is for Fu Yi. That scares me. A lot. It shouldn't. That fear is nothing more than a lack of faith. Has He or has He not promised to work all things out for His glory and for my good (Romans 8:28)? With our eyes fixed on the One who calms the waves, we overcome, even welcome them. We become stronger, we grow closer to our God who has a plan to redeem.
Who am I to question, for one second, how God is working in Fu Yi's life? Do I really believe He doesn't have huge blessings in store for her? I confess. My grieving the loss of this family was essentially saying that God doesn't know best. While God certainly calls us to fight on her behalf, I have zero say in what her destiny will be. He used this recent experience in order that I would repent, turn back to Him and His sovereignty. He so graciously and gently reminded me that His ways are not mine (Isaiah 55:8).
No, I can't control whether or not Fu Yi gets adopted. I can't remove her current circumstances. Yes, God has a plan and I'm not privy to it yet. Here's what we'll do as instruments of God's will and purpose. We will pray boldly, asking God for huge miracles. We will love her with whole hearts, completely vulnerable. We will fight fiercely on her behalf. We will speak truth and we will never be silent. She has no voice but that ends now. The waves will not overcome us. They have no power against a God who owns them. "You rule over the surging sea; when its waves mount up, you still them." (Psalm 89:9) We will embrace HIS waves of love and unending mercy. We will rest knowing that the God who loves orphans infinitely more than we do, will fulfill all things good. "The least of you will become a thousand, the smallest a mighty nation. I am the Lord; in its time I will do this swiftly." (Isaiah 60:22) He is the song for the suffering and at HIS perfect moment, redemption's tune will overwhelm Fu Yi. Of this, I am confident.
You call me out beyond the shore onto the waves! (Great song;)