I woke up this morning at 3:00AM in a dark hotel room in Nanjing, China. Reality had finally sunk in. And I lost it. I sat up and began sobbing. I sat there in that dark room with tears streaming down my cheeks. I grieved many things that hadn't really come to the surface yet.
I grieved for Samuel, who is being transported to Nanjing this morning. I grieved for his confusion, his sense of security, his safety. I grieved not having my husband here. I grieved that I don't have his shoulder to cry on and that he doesn't get to hold Samuel today. I grieved the exhaustion and intensity of this trip. It was hard. Dark. Sad. And as He always does, God spoke to me in a gentle but firm voice.
The Lord immediately brought me to a place of repentance. He led me to His word and humbled me. "I lift my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121:1-2) He quickly reminded me that my eyes need only be lifted to Him. He is here with me. He is with Samuel. He is with Seamus. He is the same faithful God He's always been and will be forever. My reliance on something other than His presence exposed my weakness and sin. A circumstance as this can quickly reveal our idols. And I was quickly humbled.
Friends, we need not put our rest, our assurance, our hopes and desires in anything but Jesus. Even my own husband can become an idol if I remain in grief over his absence. The truth is, God's grace IS sufficient. When He said that, He meant it! It's ALL I need right now. I am so grateful today that He reminded me of His unfailing love and His desire to be in relationship with me. Let's use these moments of desperation to be conformed to His likeness. Even amidst trial, or should I say especially amidst trial, be grateful for His faithfulness in transforming us. My scaly eyes often only recognize His faithfulness in desperate times like this morning. So I praise my God for bringing me to my knees. Sobbing and sad to joyful in Him alone!
"When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." (Psalm 94:18-19)
Suzi and I spent some time together this morning in prayer and scripture. She shared a devotional with me that was confirmation of all the Lord had earlier revealed. Amazing God we serve, y'all...
"I am all around you, hovering over you even as you seek my Face. I am nearer than you dare believe, closer than the air you breathe. If My children could only recognize My Presence, they would never feel lonely again. I know every thought you have before you think it, every word before you speak it. My Presence impinges on your innermost being. My own children have nothing to fear, for I have cleansed them by My blood and clothed them in My righteousness. Be blessed by My intimate nearness. Since I live in you, let Me also live through you, shining My Light into the darkness."
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